If you love music, you can play music

When I was in high school, what feels like ages ago, and realistically it was, I was really interested in the 60's counter-culture hippie movement. I was deeply drawn to the idea that love, empathy, and creativity are powerful and can make a real difference in people's lives. The problem was, I was in a very conservative environment, both at home and in school, and my gut was quashed by what I was being told. In my own way, I did challenge norms by dying my hair pink for a couple of weeks, but it wasn't pink long enough for any of my teachers to find out. I was scared of what would happen if my school knew.

 

Me at 18 challenging norms with pink hair

I knew in my gut that being truly caring meant allowing people to exist as they are and helping those who need it in meaningful ways. It felt right to me that pursuing the creative things I love would improve my quality of life. I was taught that helping others meant teaching them a narrow view of morality, and that help came with conditions. I was taught that creative pursuits are secondary and only acceptable if you've finished your work as an "active member of society". I was taught that care needed to be earned not given.

 

Me at 17 in high school embracing my hippie side

I'm not comfortable yet sharing exactly what my religious upbringing was. I will say it was narrow, highly moralistic, and restrictive. It took me years longer than my siblings to get out of it. My life experience was such that I fit into the restrictive box pretty well, so I wasn't as uncomfortable. Being an asexual teacher was pretty much exactly what a young woman should be: not interested in sex and good with kids.

Anyway, I went to a private, religious school, which, while it had serious issues in many areas, did provide a decent education in English and literature. In high school, as part of our English class, we had the opportunity to perform a poem or a speech in a coffee shop in front of classmates and families. I am a natural public speaker, so this was my favorite part of the class. In my senior year, we could choose anything we wanted to perform, rather than something by a writer we studied. I initially chose to do a speech from the Monkees TV show. Sure, it's a silly show that really doesn't have much substance overall, but hey, I was 18. The speech talks about how it really doesn't matter if you're good or bad at something (music specifically in this case), if you love doing it, it has value.

Mike in the Devil and Peter Tork

 I was pretty nervous when I told my teacher and read it to the class. After I read it once, I backed out. I told my teacher I changed my mind and went with a Wordsworth poem. After all, a lot of his poems lean a little hippie. He told me that it was probably a good idea to change my speech, and without being too stern about it (I was one of his best students), he said the message was wrong. He told me, an 18-year-old who wanted everyone to be creatively free, that doing things you love just because you love them is wrong.

After I graduated, I ended up at a university that was the same religion as my high school. I explored aspects of who I am within the permitted bounds. I dressed in vintage clothes, I learned how to be a good cook and baker, and I got pretty good at cultivating my appearance. During this time, I felt empowered by being proficient at looking the part. However, the more empowered I became, the less I fit the part. It was a paradox that to this day I can't exactly explain.

Me at 21 dressing in a vintage, conservative, feminine way

After university, I became a teacher, and while my early career is something I value beyond belief, it didn't serve my spiritual and moral development very much.

It took moving to Lake Atitlan, one of the most spiritually healing places in the world, for me to finally accept that 18 year-old me had been right all along. 

Mike said it best: If you love music, you can play music.

Me now, at 32, with another yellow flower